the mind meld

OOOOFFFF it’s been a while since I’ve come on here. I just haven’t been very motivated lately. I actually had a pretty good summer.
I read a lot, played a lot of DOOM and Sally Face, watched a lot of anime and made that sweet, sweet cash lolz. I got pretty content with life in around mid May.

HOWEVER, of course, this was short lived.

Skool starts again in a little under 2 weeks and now we have a mask mandate imposed. I’M FUCKING VACCINATED I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF YOU GET COVID.
GET VACCINATED OR FUCKING DIE I DON’T CARE. Jesus Fucking Christ. I’m tired of all this shit.
So naturally, I spent a good week or so crying, and now I’m back to being pissed off. I’m still planning on going back and finishing my degree; all I want at this point is that fucking sheet of paper.
I mean, I wanted a legit college experience to make up for my SHIT high school years, but we all know that’s not happening so ehhhh.
I’m giving like a month, I guess. Just to see if I can handle all the retards back at the educational institution. But if I can’t, whatever man, I’ll just move my part-time job to full.
I’ll make HELLA bank.

OK BACK TO THE LIFE UPDATE I started reading Death Note like 2.5 weeks ago. I FUCKIN LOVE IT.
I started watching the anime when I was 16, but I was never able to make it past where L dies lolz. I finally finished the whole thing like a month ago and whoops...looks like Light became a new comfort character.
I know, I know. I’m a toxic, narcissistic asshole. What the fuck ever. He was right, first of all, and he’s a well written, interesting character. Also I love the artstyle of the manga.
ALSO IT'S A FUCKING FICTIONAL STORY. I’m a little over half way done with the manga, and L just died. I took that pretty hard but eh. It’s fiction LOL.

Only downside over the summer is that I feel like I’ve gained. I’m excited for skool cause I’ll be able to restrict and fast so much.
I’m planning on cosplaying Sal Fisher in October and I NEED to be 105-108 lbs by then.
I’m planning on sticking below 800 cals with just protein, fruits, and veg, with a little bit of Gerber Puffs thrown in.

08/10/2021

So a few things happened today. First, the Deftones concert got rescheduled.
I'm honestly feeling like this will never end. This will be a never-ending spiral of watching my life pass me by cause some fat old asshole might get a virus and die.
Whatever. This is it tbh. One more fucking lockdown and I'm killing myself. I don't need to be put through this again.
Once was enough for me.

Second, my little sister got held at gun point at work tonight. I fucking hate it here. What the fuck.
Holding up an 18 year old kid at closing. This is enough to make me a firm believer that the human race should be ended.
There are no good people. Everything just sucks. I'm very tired. I'm very tired.
I want to sleep forever.

07/09/2021

It's sad how little my parents care about me. I could blow my brains out with a huge shotgun,
buckshot n everything, right in front of my mom and she wouldn't even look up from her computer.

06/28/2021

OK for the last week I was on vacation in Tampa Bay. FUCK it was humid. I’m from the southwest where everything is fucking dry as hell.
I was sooooo uncomfortable lmfao. It was great tho cause I love the beach. We even got to see dolphins and crazy fish n shit.
I’m at the Denver Airport right now waiting for my return flight home. It’s 13:37 now. The layover is 3 hours ehhhhh
I wanted to go see Columbine obvs but I’m with the parental units soooo they would find that sus.

Uhhh next week and the rest of the summer is starving hours I guess. I had to eat TONS of food on vaca.
I always do this so my parents don’t get worried. Whatever. I can tell I’ve gained. I miss my November LW so much.
I’m at least 115 lbs now. My LW is 112. I feel really gross rn.
Goal is to not eat above 1k cals until August. I have to look go for my ballet class next semester.

UHHH I haven’t updated in FOREVER gawd there isn’t that much that happened tbh.
Me and emily are going to comic con tomorrow and Sunday. I’m cosplaying Shigaraki obv. He’s the fav.
I just need to style my wig and get all my make up together when I get home.
OMG I MISS MY CAT..I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HER.

06/25/2021

OK so I got jabbed yesterday. TBFH I don’t feel much of anything. My head fucking hurts but eh a bitch lives with chronic pain so I don’t really mind too much.
I’m just waiting for the two weeks to pass. My state fucking suxxxx and makes everyone wear masks, EXCEPT vaxxed people. After two weeks, goodbye masks lolll.
And FUCK anyone who bitches about me not wearing one. “You’re still spreading it!!” “You’re so selfish!!!” Damn fucking straight. I don’t give a shit about any of you fucking losers.
Die or don’t die, I don’t fucking care. It’s listen to the CDC until they say something you don’t agree with. Put up or shut the fuck up.
Stay in your house all day. Just leave me the FUCK alone. Nobody fucking cared when I had massive mental breaks in high school, no one cared when I starved myself for years and turned my fucking thighs into barcodes.
So I don’t really seem that inclined to care when you stupid fatties get COVID and die.
Cope.

I went and got plants for my garden yesterday. It wasn’t sooo fun cause the jab made me feel all out of body and shit. But I’m happy with what I picked up.
My dad and I went; he likes gardening too. He let me get a dahlia flower, which is super pretty btw.
I also got some herbs n things so I don’t have to keep buying them from fucking Etsy every time I wanna light a spell candle or burn something.
Comic Con is coming back in my city so that’s kewl. Me and emily are gonna DO IT UP. I won’t even have to wear a mask either.
Ayyyy I’m excited lol.

05/29/2021

I’m not gonna lie. Summer break is gonna b HELLA BORING this year. Smh I swear. All work and no play makes jay a dull humanoid. Whatever.
I’m seeing fucking DEFTONES on Dyl’s birthday. IDK if he even liked Deftones but mehhhh I like them so. Yeah. lolz.
O to be able to travel back to the 90’s, where I could have been a real 20 year old. Fuck this reality.

My lil sis just graduated high school last night. Made me realize how much I actually repressed from those years. Whooo.
I never wanna do that again. EWWWWWW and all those stupid cunts I graduated with still all look the same.
I mean, people in college still all look the same, but there are still a few social reject goth emo assholes lol.
No one has any personality at that fucking high school. It’s a follow the leader type deal lol. My sister’s a total prep but eh water u gonna do lol she’s my blood, ya know?

UGH I haven’t worked out this week NEARLY as much as I wanted to. Jus a fat FUCK that’s me!!!

05/21/2021

A LOT of things happened over the last week.
First off, I quit my job. I don’t really know how I feel about it TBH. I mean… restaurant work SUX so I’m glad I’m out of it. But IDK.
Those doods are some of my best friends. I know I’ll keep seein em. I hang w jared and michael all the time.
I just kinda feel weird about it cause I’ve worked there for 3 years now. I still remember the day I was hired. This is a whole chapter of my life I’m throwin away. IDK.
I’ll be fine, obv. But I think I’ll feel weird for a few weeks.
My OFFICIAL last day is May 30. I’ll have literally worked there 3 years.

OK the second thing is...I’m getting my COVID shot next Friday. J&J, one and done. I fucking hate this. I would NEVER have gotten this bullshit, except now even my own fucking mother is pushing me.
Firstly, I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Maybe if y’all had fucked off, I would have willingly gotten the vaxx.
I HATE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE.
Second, I don’t really give a fuck anymore. We all die. I don’t care if I die, and I certainly don’t give a FUCK if you die.
Again. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
Third, everyone’s on my ass about getting the J&J shot. “Not effective enough!!!” “Too dangerous!!!” Alll this bullshite. Homie. I don’t care if I fucking die. I really don’t.
I just want the fucking sheet of paper that says CONGRATS!!! YOU COMPLIED!!!!
It’s starting to feel a lot like Comply, or Suicide at this point. I think it’s so funny. Everything in my life has been set up for me. I couldn’t choose what schools to go to,
I couldn’t choose whether I wanted to go to college or not, I can’t decide my college classes, I can’t decide if I can get tattoos (AT FUCKING 20 YEARS OLD),
I can’t decide if I can dye my hair. And now I can’t even choose what happens to my body.
I FUCKING HATE IT HERE. I’m so tired.

OK BUT WHATEVER on a lighter note, skool’s out!!! I played so much fuckin DOOM 2day. Even passed a new level!
I also finished Sue’s audiobook. Not really light per say, but it felt like closure.
Ok it’s 9:52 PM Mountain Time so Imma prolly watch some Columbine docu and go to sleep. AYYYYYY.

05/17/2021

I barely have enough time to do anything these dayz. My professors suck fucking ass and they wanna make my already tragic, shitty life that much harder.
It's so fucking frustrating.

Emily's out there living life and having a gud times working and making $$. Gooooodddd I forgot how much I miss her rn.
I went thru a period of like,,, hating her last month but now I just miss her. She's the only actual person who understands me anymore.
She gets it. All of it. I don't even know why I was so mad at her tbh.
She was all I had for like 7 years lolz. Basically the eric to my dylan, except we never planned mass murder lmfao. I'm fucking sad, she's fucking angry.

I'm seein her on Thursday tho, even tho it's been a month.
I genuinely don't need people. I don't like them.
But there are indeed a few that I appreciate. Emily's definitely one of them. Can stay mad at her for long.

OK the need to dye my hair white rn is so overwhelming….
Also the amount of emotion I'm having on the eve of the 22nd. I've felt off since April 15 cause I'm just feeling so much.
It's something strange that's around in here.

Alls Imma do tonight is watch Columbine docus it seems. I just feel this empty sadness.
I know it’s related to the anniversary. All those people.
I’m listening to Something I Can Never Have and it just...hits different right now.

I only have 3 weeks of skool left and I’m not even excited for the summer. I just feel so numb to everything right now.
At least classes are in person next sem lol. I might actually get to finish off my major.
One can only hope.

you make this all go away. you make this all go away. i'm down to just one thing, and i'm starting to scare myself. you make this all go away. you make it all go away. i just want something i can never have. i just want something i can never have.

04/19/2021

Sol...

It's been 2 years now. I can't even believe it. I didn't even know of you last year. Honestly I didn't even know of you until January.
You've touched my life and the lives of so many others. I know you're in a better place. You're free.

Last night, I was just thinking about how April 14, 2019 was for you. All that stress, anticipation, sadness, utter anxiety. Today, I can feel your numbness.

Sometimes it feels strange to be so connected to someone dead. Someone I never even met in this life. Someone who was my age, and someone who never knew I existed.

I know you're looking down on us here from where you are. I hope you know how many people here love you and relate to you.
People like you remind people like me that we aren't ever truly alone. There's always someone watching over us.

I know you're free of the pain here. I know you're happy wherever you are.

I'm not gonna say you missed anything. Maybe just Avengers: Endgame. At least you got to skip out on the massive fucking pandemic. Life took a shit last year.
And nothing's back to the way it used to be. I'm starting to think it never will. I'm literally forever jealous of the people that died in 2019 and early 2020.
How nice and peaceful that would have been. 2019 was my best year too. I would have been so happy to die then. Ok enough ranting. I'm glad that I found out about you.
You made me feel so much less alone. I'll always be grateful to you.

Ugh it feels so good to talk to you. To relate to someone. Feels nice to not be alone.

You're loved, Sol. Loved by all of us down here. I hope you know that. I wonder if you knew how much your story would impact us.
You're truly loved and missed.

04/15/2021

I’m really tired these days. It’s not really physical exhaustion...just I’m not...feeling like anything. I just want to sit and stare at my wall.
No tv shows (OK maybe my hero and tfatws, BUT HEY), no books. No music. Idk. I just finished my first art piece in like 3 months yesterday.
That was a trip. Felt good to get back into something that I love.

I’m watching Suicide Room rn. I can’t really watch movies with subs but eh lol I’ll manage.
I’ve been feeling weird for the past few weeks. I’ve had to research this woman for my job. She was a drug addict. She died in prison because of an infection.
She was like 15 years older than me. Idk. Her story makes me feel a lot of things. I feel sorry for how she died.
She seemed genuinely like a good person. Other times I’m jealous of her. She died in 2k19. B4 all this bullshit.
God I wish that was me. I never knew this lady. She never knew me. But, in the same way that I feel super close to Sol and Dylan and Jeffrey, I feel close to her.
My mom thinks I’m too soft. Thinks I feel too much empathy. We know that’s not true tho lol. I just feel them super close to me. I’m not a drug addict.
But I suppose eating disorders are addictions?? Idk I hear her talking about her addiction and I relate to everything she says.
Maybe I’m just a fuckin weirdo lol. I don’t know.

I’ve had a bad day today lollll. Cried 4 most of da day. I had a really bad test today. I kno I won’t finish with a 4.0 this semester.
That makes me mad cause I’ve maintained it for two years. Whatevs. I watched TFATWS for the 2nd time 2day.
Bucky is one of my comfort characters tbh. I always watch CA:TWS when I’m sad. Lolllll. I’m tired now.
Trying to keep myself from dropping out of skool takes a LOT of energy.

04/12/2021

WHY WON'T THE MY HERO DUB COME OUT?????? I h8 reading subs lmao.

Anyways,,,idk. I'm doing a lot better recently. Skool was announced in person nxt semester so at least I'll have something OTHER than Columbine
to obsess over lol. Not that I'm losing interest in TC.
I just wanna have something else to do. Maybe that's why I've quite literally flung myself into boxing. To take up some time.
SO the plan was to go to law skool after undergrad but now I may enlist in the army???
Like sure yeah, FUCK the government, but I'd make some phat $$$$. (Also who the fuck is gonna hire an art major lmfaoooo)
After undergrad I'd just join lol. Could even move up to an officer since I would have a degree.
Just gotta make sure I can pass the ACFT test. If I wanna join infantry, I gotta pass. Wowzerz. Me as a soldier. Idk but that sounds pretty cool.
Also eric wanted to join the army but couldn't. So maybe I'm an absolute fuckwad but..maybe this could be a way to stay close to em.
Just the thots of the day.
I still have a FUCK TON of homework to do.. Kind of just wanna say fuck it and just drop out now.
But my mom will kill me so here we are.
I think I wanna rewatch The Winter Soldier 2nite. That's such a comfort movie for me. Been that way since I was 14. Meh meh.
I'm having the worst allergies. EWWWW my nose burns.

OOOP I FORGOT 2DAY IS SHIGGY'S B DAY. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAVORITE FICTIONAL WHITE HAIR3D MASS MURDERER!!!!!!!!!

04/04/2021

OK I don't know if this is weird or not LOL but I treat my body as a machine?? I need it to be strong, fast etc so I work my hardest to get there.
I don't love it, or necessarily take care of it. I feed it what it needs, but it's primary function is to be what I want it to be.
It just simply exists, like a car. IDK if that's 'normal' r whatever. All my friends talk about how they try to love themselves n all that.
There's that whole body positivity movement. But I don't know. I don't really believe in all that. This body is just here to do what I want it to.
IDK maybe I'm tired today lol I did two boxing classes in a row. 2morrow I'm running and doing weightlifting so...I'm busy. Oops.
Also ewwww skool started today AND I'M NOT A FAN.

03/22/2021

I'm getting back into Wicca and witchcraft lol. Had a really rough spell from November till about now, so I kinda stopped doing anything.
I'm really happy about getting back in it. I love reading my tarot, doing pendulum work, casting n all that. I've missed it.
Even went back to watching Harmony Nice on yt. I've always loved her vids. I'm really feeling a lot closer to nature rn.
I took a 5 mile walk w my sister's dog n I just kinda...let it all in. Despite my bullshit allergies, the weather is soooooo nice in the spring here.
I'm so excited for spring. I can't wait to start my garden. I'm thinking half
herbs and half fruits/veggies. I love gardening lol.

I went out w melanie, emily, and bryana again today. I forgot how
much I've missed em lolllll. Made me realize how much I miss normal shit. Like, by no means was I happy before all this shit,
but I'm just plain miserable now.
It sucks.
But eh. On a lighter note, I got a Tree of Life necklace and a palo santo stick today so that's cool I guess.
I found a cool vegetarian restaurant too. Those r fuckin hard to find lol.

Skool starts again on Monday. FML forever and ever. My classes will fo sure rape me this semester.
I'm nervous about not maintaining my GPA. If it drops below a 3.8 I don't know what I'll do.
Ugh. I literally HATE online class. It's such a waste of fucking time. So pointless.

So far I've stuck true to my spring break plans lol.
I have played SO MUCH DOOM!! HOLY SHIT I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE THAT GAME.
I also draw a lot more now. When I was literally actively suicidal from November to like early March, I didn't draw a fuckin thing.
That's another thing I've missed. I work a lot too. Bitch gotta make that $$ since I'm spending so much on sage and crystals lol.
I'm sleeping better too. Prolly because of the time change. I love the spring forward, but not the fall back.

03/18/2021

OK so maybe I’m learning Japanese in the fall??? That was the og plan and then I got into Columbine lol. Whoooops. IDK I wanna watch anime without subs.
I’d be so fucking powerful then. Also maybe michael and I could be in the same class?? That’d be fuckin hella!!
Imma miss that dude fo sure if I leave this job. Emily will be pissed lmfao. I already promised her I’d learn German but eh.
She’s not even going to skool nxt semester so IDEK why I’d want to please her. It’s my lyfe, anyways.
Anyways...I’m so obsessed over MHA rn. I know ppl hate the cringey ‘kinnies’ n all that.
(N I’M NOT SAYING I FUCKIN KIN ANY1 LMFAOOOOOO) but i’ve always related to tomura. We grew up the same, abusive parents n all.
One would beat the shit outta me n one would just watch. LOL.
ALSO I want white hair. God I want white hair soooooo fuckn bad. The pink was just a test 2 see if
I liked dyed hair n all that. IDK now I’m feelin like having white hair. I like the idea of being void of color.
Even tho I’m fuckin mestiza n I have brown eyes. I think being completely white from head to fuckin toe would skare ppl away.
A fucking walking skelly in all black w white hair???? Don’t mind if I do!
Although I ate way too fucking much 2day. I’m on a 17 hr fast rn. I’m hopin to literally fast all of spring break. God I need to lose like 5 lbs PRONTO.
Oh. Back to MHA. LOL
I read the last chapter and fuckin sobbed lol. I’m so excited for the new season too.
I felt ok for the first time in months at the prospect of my hero dropping this month.
IDK if it’s a little fucked up to have your suicidal thots tied to a literal cartoon but hey. Water u gonna do.

OK that’s it 4 2day lol Imma go watch Endgame w my momma.

03/14/2021

god I can’t wait for spring break. I’m gonna play so much fuckin DOOM it’s not even gonna be funny.
I literally haven’t even touched the game in months n I miss it so bad. Fuuuuckkkk I can’t wait.
I also might take a roadtrip to Columbine??? IDK that might be a pipe dream but I really wanna go rn and I’ll be off skool so?? Maybe??
I watched Thirteen for the first time today. I know it’s a fucked up way to spend literal middle school,,
but sometimes I wish I lived a little more when I was a teenager.
I mean, I did spend most (if not all, LOL) of my teen years fat and isolated, but IDK it’s nice 2 dream. Xcept I can legally drink come December 10.
OOOOO I hope I don’t become a fucking alcoholic lmao that would be bad. An unnecessary waste of calories.
Listening to BMTH rn. Goooodd I love them. Their sound is just too gud.
Too bad they aren't touring in the US. Blehhhh.

03/09/2021

I miss goin out with emily, man. We used to have so much fun lol. Road trips n photoshoots n all that jazz.
We have the same taste in music, movies, interests, all that. I mean...I went out w her on Thursday and we’re seein
Rammstein and MCR in Sept/Oct (R+V you guys would be so fuckin pumped omfg this is gonna be LIT!!!!!)

Rammstein is emily’s fav band but I like em too. I’m also learning German in the fall
so I’ll actually be able to understand their songs lol. MCR is my fav band and she agreed to go w me.
I am grateful for that. It’s in Denver too. I might go see Columbine and the memorial after r before the concert since NM is only like 6 hrs from Denver by car.
My car sorta sux tho. 23 gallon gas tank. 20 for highway drivin and 16 for city. OOF LOL.
Made in 1994 tho so I really love my car. I know it’s just a fucking car but IDK it makes me feel more connected to R+V.
Maybe I’m just nutz.

Ah fuck lol. My mom’s getting her covid shot 2day. She’s askin me to come in case smthg happens.
She claims she’s not scared but eh. I can tell she is. Why else would she ask me to come lmfao.
It’s like a 2 hr drive to the dispensary so we have 2 leave soon.
Finished my essays woooohoooo! I’m tired now. It’s almost midterm time. Nxt week.
eh
At least I’ll have spring break. lol.

03/06/2021

Just met w my advisor. GREAT. JUST FUCKING GREAT. Now nxt semester might be online. FUUUUCKKKK. HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES.
I don’t fucking care who gets the virus. I don’t care who fucking dies. I just wanna live my goddamn life. I lost my teens to suicidal ideation and depression.
Now I’m losing my 20’s to this.
I was having fun in college. I could dress how I wanted. I took the classes I wanted, finally. I actually liked my life. For fucking once. And now this shit.
My mom’s paying all this money so I can sit on my ass and write papers in my room.
Woooooo how fun. NOT.
I’ve said it before I don’t wanna do this anymore.
Don’t take me as some virus hoaxer r anything. But now we have a vax and if you
die at this point, it’s for lack of trying or natural selection. FUCK THIS SHIT.

03/02/2021

UGHHHHH it's almost midterms time :/. I rlly don't wanna take all those tests lmfao. I wanna SLEEEEEP.
In other news…..I got my NIN Downward Spiral poster. It looks so kewl. It's way biGGER than I thought it was gonna be but eh. Still looks sick.
I aced my soci short essay after literally bombing like 3 so I'm ridin the high rn. LOL.

It's 9:07 pm MDT n I'm out here re dyeing my hair. It's starting to fade bleach blonde from pink and I DON'T LIKE IT LOL.
I've been rlly digging the pink hair for some reason. I've never been fond of pink but even I gotta say.
This looks pretty coolio.

I am on the most fucked pendulum of my life. Going from feeling godlike. I drive on the wrong side of the road for fun.
I hit things (not ppl lol) with my car cause I can. I don't sleep 4 dayz and dayz. I feel like DOOMGUY.
But other days I'm the lowest of the low. I'm shit, inside and out, and I don't deserve to be alive.
I starve and I cut because I deserve to feel pain. I need to suffer. That's just the natural order.

Woohoooo. Life is just too good

Ooooook. That's all 4 now I guess. Imma go re-read all the shiggy
chapterz of MHA and get caught up XD

03/01/2021

I hate this family. I honestly don't know how much more I can take living with them. We're all stuck in this fucking house; we have literally nowhere else to go.
But instead of trying to make the best of this shit, they just yell and fight and break shit.
Good fucking god
I'm starting to understand the Menendez brothers more and more lol.
This sucks.
I might legit move in w one of my friends.

02/24/2021

I think it’s funny that all of my tragic 20 years in this hellscape can be defined by a single NIN song…
Every day is exactly the same. There is no love here and there is no pain. Every day is exactly the same
even before the bullshit pandemic. Even in college. Every single fucking day morphs into one giant one.
It’s almost as if nothing’s real anymore. Time’s so fucky in this dimension.

02/22/2021

I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE.
I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE.
I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE.
I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE.
I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE.
I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE.
I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE.
I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE. I DON’T BELONG HERE

someone please get me out of here

02/17/2021

Suffer. That word is beautiful to me. It describes sum kinda pain inside that I can't describe w just my wordz.
suf·fer·ing-noun-the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.
I never rlly apply the word to myself. I don't even feel real. But I guess yeah.
That's what I'm doing in this tragic existence. Suffering.

I'm tired. I mostly get enough sleep but still. It's this bone deep exhaustion that every1 can see.
That's fucking frustrating. Literally everyone can see I'm fucking falling apart. They just don't care. I mean 4 realz.
I guess I don't mean anything 2 these ppl after all. Coolio I gu3ss.
I don't even rlly know what I did to deserve the shit that I keep getting. It feels like lyfe is always gonna be this way.
It probably always is gonna b this way.

U kno,,,I can’t even tell u how many times I’ve told my mom I was suicidal. Fuck, like 2 dayz ago I told
her she should have aborted me. But she doesn’t care. Always brushes it off and drops the subject.
But ohhhh fuckin nooooo when one of her friends needs help, she’ll drop everything to help them. I guess I’m a ghost here? Nothing I do or say matters at all?

02/10/2021

I RLLY H8 ONLINE SKOOL. IT’S A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME AND $$$. FUCK MAN. JUST LET ME GO BACK TO CLASS ALREADY.
ALSO,,,, IF THE RAMMSTEIN AND MCR CONCERTS GET CANCELLED, THAT’S IT. I’M GOIN FULL JOKER.
IDK I guess I'm just rlly tired of constantly sitting behind my computer. I literally have no time between work and school combined.
I havent even played DOOM in weeks :,(. I really miss da normal shiz in lyfe. Like going to the movies w E or goin bowling or
roadtrips n all that. N tbh I rlly don't see an end in sight for this fuckery. This is just the rest of my life I guess.
If ever I needed a more depressing thot.

I've been listening to a lot of MM lately LOL even tho he's been excommunicated from the goth/emo/social reject world.
The Nobodies is really a huge fucking mood rn. I've always kinda loved that song.
As a certified Social Reject™ that song has all the right vibez.

My ED is kicking my ass too latley. I feel like I've gained in all the wrong places
(is there ever a right place to gain LOL) so naturally, I've been watching To The Bone non stop and listening to ElysianSoul's discography.
IDK winter (Jan thru March ish) have always been suuuuuper hard months for me. N then coupled with this COVID shit. A literal perfect fuckin storm.

It's almost 3pm here n I'm TIRED LOL. I work at 3
tomorrow cause of the fuckin superbowl, which I couldn't give less of a shit about. I JUST WANNA GO TO SLEEP!!!!

02/06/2021

I’m so tired and sad. I’ve stopped seeing a point tbh. I just cry everyday,
do homework, and wait for all this shit to be over. Hopefully it is soon. I’m done.

01/27/2021

People are absolute fucking SHEEP lolz. Having to go to Costco and shop around...it’s literally hell.
People are so fucking stupid. Anywho,,,I’m currently doing research on Dahmer. It’s really fucking cool.
I grew up like him, and I’m gay?! Poggers lmaooo. I guess this is my first entry here. So heyo every1.
All my socials r linked in the “links” tab n my AOL is d00m3dang3l@aol.com. Y’all can talk 2 me any time lolz I’m online this upcoming semester,,,
which reminds me. Fuck. School literally starts tomorrow. Fuckin rough. My BFF is taking off this semester, n i’m literally soooo jealous kfhkwdh.
Eh I got my 183 usd vintage NIN Downward Spiral shirt today. It looks so cool. Really makes me feel closer
to VoDkA. Peaceful and calm.

01/18/2021