the halcyons

I UNDERSTAND THE EVERYTHING. I AM THE GOD OF THE EVERYTHING. Fate is my only master.

This shit again. back at writing doing just like a fucking zombie. Lately I cant change my mind from the fucking deeds of zombies.
Earth, humanity, HERE. that's mostly what I think about. I hate it.
I want to be free.... free... I thought it would have been time by now. the pain multiplies infinitely.
never stops.

The hardest thing to destroy, yet the weakest thing that exists. I know that i am different, yet i am afraid to tell the society.
The possible abandonment, persecution is not something I want to face, yet it is so primitive to me. I guess being yourself means letting people know about inner thoughts too, not just opinions & fashions.
(Heheh) I will be free one day, in the land of purity & my happiness, I will have a love, someone who is me in a way.
Someday... Possibly thru this life, maybe another, but it will happen…

What fun is life without a little death? Its interesting, when im in my human form, knowing im going to die.
Everything has a touch of triviality to it.

oooh god i want to die sooo bad... such a sad, desolate, lonely, unsalvageable i feel i am..... not fair, NOT FAIR!!!! I wanted happiness!!
I never got it... let's sum up my life... the most miserable existence in the history of time...

Don't mind this pg too much lol. Imma be usin it for my sad boi rantz. It's more of a venting space. So yeah. :)

I tried recovery I guess. I fucking hate it. I feel so fucking fat. I wanna peel all my skin off. It doesn’t feel good at all right now. I wanna throw up.
I’m getting myself back on track ASAP. I won’t be able to survive this body for another week even. Gotta starve it all off.
God I forgot how much I hate how this feels. Doing all I can now to lose this weight. I don't feel like myself right now.
I feel gross.

I thought I'd be able to handle recovery this time. I thought I could get stronger and beat anorexia once and for all.
But I'm relapsing it seems. It kinda sucks because I wanna be able to live without all this shit in my head. Wanna be able to eat at a restaurant and not automatically begin counting calories.
Calculating how many miles I have to run today.
Whatever. It's fine. I never really figured recovery would stick for very long. I'm too broken. There's nothing in here that works the way it should.

Honestly I need Ed. When in recovery, I couldn't stop thinking about how good it feels to exist hungry.
I missed that feeling. I guess I need these feelings to focus. Idk I get a sense of purpose from Ed. He makes me able to survive till the next day.
He hurts sometimes. It's exhausting to have to eat to a certain amount and exercise everyday.
But that's ok. I was a fucking FATTY in high school. I see old pictures of myself and they don't even look like me. I mean, there is no real me but still.
That era doesn't feel real. I'm glad for Ed. Made me godlike.

Dylan's on my mind today. I feel lonely lately. Even though I'm seeing emily again on Thursday. I feel alone. Empty.
I sort of think that I just exist to people. I'm not a good friend, a family member. Not even an acquaintance.
I just exist here, floating around from place to place. No one sees me. No one hears me.
All alone. Empty.

04/27/2021

I don't know how much longer I wanna do this for. School starts back today and I feel just like I did in high school. I feel like dying. I feel like I'm already dead.
I know school's ending in May but I can't seem to muster up any hope. I don't know. I guess I've done this before; I should be able to do it again.

I have such a hard time with school now. I just don't care about assignments like I did last spring. Last fall, even.
I'm too busy trying to keep myself alive. I don't have the time nor the energy to do your trivial bullshit. I'm way too fucking tired for this.

03/22/2021

I think I'm normal in my head. I mean, it's all I've ever fucking known. I've been like this all my life, it seems.
But it's when I talk to other people, I guess I'm not 'normal' to them. I never ride in cars with a seat belt on,
I don't even bother trying to take care of this piece of shit body cause I know I won't be here that long.
My friends are so concerned about getting enough keratin, not eating fake 0 cal sugar.
Emily's always talking about how she's taking care of herself so she won't age like shit.
I always point out that there's an easy solution to that problem. Die young. There. Problem solved.
You go out young, beautiful, powerful. But she just stares at me like I cut off my own arm.
Most people don't hate themselves either. Not to my degree. I think that's weird. What must it be like to not constantly want yourself dead? Must be strange.
They all talk about having kids and getting married. But I know better. I know that's not possible for me.
Even if I did find a girl and settle down...no one would ever accept me. People wanna say that we've progressed.
That homophobia isn't really a thing anymore. Fucking blind. Look around you. We're fucking hated. Good luck to me leading a happy life. Hehe.
Good fuckin luck.
I hate the question "Where do you see yourself in the future?" Dead. That's all I can say. Dead. Fucking dead.

People make me feel weird, most of the time. It's sort of like I'm not one of them. We think differently from each other. IDK.
God I miss being in school. The spring weather is making worse too cause I wanna be out on the fucking town, drawing in the studios...ya know.
Regular 20 year old shit. Fuck man. I didn't even anticipate that one fucking event would ruin the rest of my life.
How sad.

----

None of my friends are in college anymore. They’ve all dropped out. I walked around on campus and it was so….desolate.
Empty. I’m afraid that’s how it’s gonna be until I graduate. I don’t know if I want this.

03/12/2021

They always wanna know why I'm doing it. Why I take everything way too far. IDK.
Maybe when people see a walking, talking fucking skeleton, they'll take me seriously. They see how fucking sick I am.
Maybe this time they'll believe me. Maybe this time they'll care.
I don't really care if I die anymore. So I use this to establish control. You wanna act like a bitch? Fine. I'll just starve to death in front of you.
IDK. I have to be the best at everything. Have to one up everybody else. I've always been like this.

I can write the smallest in a college ruled notebook. I can maintain the best grades in university.
I can be the smallest out of all my friends. I can draw the best in my art class. I can drive the most recklessly and not die.
On and on and fucking on. The everlasting spiral of this brain.
Who knows lol.I have maintained a 4.8 r something for the past year, even with the pandemic.
I don't think I'll have it this semester. Maybe a 3.8. Which is still ok.
Better than all my friends.

Sometimes I'm very tired of this. I'd like to just be average sometimes. Not hate myself for not going above and fucking beyond. Every. Damn. Time.

I'm very ambivalent right now. I don't really have any emotions to speak of. Just kind of bored.
Just kind of lazy. Just kind of….empty? Yeah. Empty's the word. There's nothing goin on in here. Meh.

I'm tired.

03/04/2021

Self hatred makes you do funny things.
You'll literally override your basic human instincts just because you can't stand yourself. You can hurt yourself so bad, hell, even kill yourself,
all with the power of utter and absolute self loathing.

I always thought that I was miserable cause I was the fat weirdo in high school.
So I took it upon myself and starved the imperfections away. But that didn't do the trick it seems.
I've never been able to look at myself in the mirror. This body doesn't feel like mine even.
Like I'm borrowing it or something.

I can't even seem to make out who I am. I'm fucking 20 years old and I don't even know who I am.
What must I sound like to everyone else? What must I look like?

I seem to latch onto people. I steal their personalities I guess is how I'd word it? I really like some people.
I wonder what they did to be so effortlessly cool and beautiful and kind and all that. So I guess I try to emulate them to a T?
So that means I'm not really me. I'm quite literally someone else.
I wonder how people would describe me? Would they see me as I see myself? A fat loser faggot who's failed at literally every single thing?
A spaz and a retard who can barely manage to keep good grades? A burden, financially and otherwise, on her parents and her
friends and anyone with the misfortune of crossing her path? I genuinely don't know. Huh. That's a weird thing to admit.
I really have no fucking clue.

02/26/2021

I’m rotten on the inside. I’m no good. A bad person, an asshole, a pathetic motherfucker, whatever you wanna call it.
I’m just bad. And you know what rot does. It spreads from the inside out. So I guess I’m just scared.
Of what, I don’t know. Of the future. Of the past. Of everything. IDK yet.
I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

But I’ve got nothin but time on my hands, it seems. Nothing is getting back to normal. Not anytime soon.
Everyone keeps freaking out about the new strains, Ebola outbreaks, everything. I’m not really concerned about any of that anymore.
If things get too bad past how I want them to be, I’ll just kill myself. I’ve never been afraid of dying, and I sure as fuck won’t start now.
I’m just hella bored. Nothing means anything anymore. Woooo fuckin hoooooo

02/18/2021

Somewhere I read that 18 kids killed themselves in Nevada from ONE SCHOOL, not even a district, just 1 single school. I don't think they realize how horrific this is 4 every1.
I'm getting to the end of my rope. So is every1 else apparently. RIP kids. I'm sorry they failed you.
I hope you're all truly at peace now.

I'm just kinda ranting @ this point. I'm sick of mentally ill or suffering ppl being overlooked.
I'm fuckin pissed that old, fat, sick assholes get all the special treatment but young ppl who haven't even lived yet get absolutely fucked over. I just rlly h8 it here.

On another note...I really miss Sol. She was just so beautiful.
See? Another example of how mental health in America is less than shit. I hope you're at peace,
Sol. I hope you're happy.

------

I wish my mom could just accept that I wanna die already.
I mean, hell, I’ve already starved myself down to a pretty low weight. What more proof does she need, honestly?

02/17/2021

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'til I don't want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on and tell me!

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me!

Srry abt this....it's long I know. I just rlly feel this song rn n I wanted the lyrics in here.
This song (Something I Can Never Have by NIN) has always made me feel closer to dyl so I appreciate it a lot.
Honsetly all of NIN's discography does that 4 me.

02/13/2021

I don’t really know why people see suicide as a sad or bad thing. It’s never really made sense to me.
I remember my mom telling me that it was the ultimate selfish thing to do. But I don’t really think so. What’s more selfish?
Staying alive even though all you want to do is fucking die so no one around you will be sad?
Or forcing someone in horrible, immense pain to stay alive solely for you and your comfort? Cause it sounds like the latter to me. I always get so annoyed with people.
If death is what I actually truly want, why should I have to stay here for you.
Who’re you to say who’s more important in this life.

02/10/2021